Fiona
by WensleydaleCheddar
Summary: While another new, foreign girl... yawn... joins the fourth grade class in the South Park Elementary, students' belongings mysteriously disappear. Kyle blames Cartman who is busy rallying a campaign against Mary Sues... 'South Park Aargh' #01 - episode 716
1. Chapter 1

_**SOUTH PARK AARGH**_

_**Episode #01 / 716 - Fiona**  
_

_Hello. I'm the author. I would like to start with a declaration that I do not own South Park in any way. Do you believe me? Okay then. This fanfiction is written in the form of a script, to maintain the similarity to the original show. Also, because I'm too lazy to write novels. Anyway, "South Park Aargh" is based on two thoughts. First, that I like South Park and would like to write some fanon episodes featuring the canon characters (with some OCs in, just to add something mine). And second, because ever since season 8, seasons are three episodes short (season 6 has 17 of them, season 7 has 15, and later only 14), so why not do that episodes myself? Most of my stories will be humor/parody ones. English isn't my native language, so be gentle with me... So, without further ado, let's move on to the opening titles._

* * *

_DISCLAIMER SIGN: _ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS SHOW, EVEN THOSE BASED ON CANON EPISODES, ARE ENTIRELY FANON. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY WENSLEYDALE…. POORLY. MOREOVER, USING A DISCLAIMER SIGN LIKE IN THE ORIGINAL SHOW IS A COMPLETE RIP-OFF FROM "THREADBARE SOUTH PARK"… A POOR ONE. THE FOLLOWING FANFICTION CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT IT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

_[The opening sequence – the one from 7__th__ season. The music plays the third, country style title theme]_

**Les Claypool:** _I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time._

**Kyle + Stan:** _Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation!_

**Les Claypool:** _I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind._

**Cartman:** _Ample Parking Day or Night, people spouting, "Howdy, Neighbor"!_

**Les Claypool:** _I'm headin' down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind._

_[Suddenly, Butters appears instead of Kenny being cut out of paper by the animator]_

_**Butters: **__Loo, loo, loo, I've got some apples, loo, loo, loo, you've got some too!_

**Les Claypool: **_So come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine._

_[EPISODE 716 (season 7, episode 16): Fiona]_

* * *

_[The action takes place in Mr. Garrison's classroom. The bell rings and the children sit down, making a lot of noise. Garrison comes in.]_

GARRISON: Okay, children, let's take our seats…

_[The class exchanges quick looks.]_

STAN: We're… already sitting, Mr. Garrison.

GARRISON: Don't be cheeky! Now, today is a very special day for us, children. You want to know why?

_Garrison as_ MR. HAT: Gee whiz, Mr. Garrison, tell them, I can't wait!

GARRISON: Now let's be patient, Mr. Hat, we don't want to spoil the surprise.

MR. HAT: Yeah, but Mr. Garrison…

GARRISON: Now, look, Mr. Hat, you'll have to wait, I'll say it eventually, God…

CRAIG, [_a little irritated]_: Just tell us and get it over with…

JIMMY: Y-yeah, you don't have to add c-com-comedy, because f-frankly, you s-suck at it very much.

MR. HAT: Oh, yeah? Well, shut up, you fucking retards! Mr. Garrison will take as much time as he wants!

_[Pip raises his hand at the back.]_

PIP: Sir, I couldn't help noticing the inconsistency in the previous dialogue! Earlier the Mr. Hat chap said that he couldn't wait and now he tells you to take your time!

JIMMY: See? W-what did I say…

GARRISON: Okay, okay, just shut up! Everybody just shut up! If anyone else has a complaint about my sense of humour, they can go to the principal's office right now!

_[A moment of silence.]_

GARRISON: Now, that's better…

TIMMY: Timmah!

GARRISON: That's it, Timmy! To the principal's office!

_[Timmy looks puzzled.]_

TIMMY: Ti-timmah?

GARRISON: Jesus tap-dancing Christ… _[pinches the bridge of his nose]_ All right, Heidi, take Timmy to the principal's office…

_[Heidi stands up and pushes Timmy's wheelchair out of the classroom. The rest of the class stares at them and then looks at Garrison expectantly. Kyle frowns.]_

KYLE: Well?

GARRISON: _[looks at Kyle, puzzled] _Well what?

KYLE: Why is this day so important to us?

GARRISON: Oh, jeez, I've forgotten all about it… Now, pay attention, students. As you may know, a new family has just moved in to South Park. Has anyone met them? _[Nobody in the classroom raises their hand] _No? Well, that doesn't surprise me, because you're all retarded social outcasts, am I right?

BUTTERS: _[enthusiastically] _Yes, sir!

GARRISON: …Okay. So, it turned out, as far as I can remember, that one of the family members is a nine-year old girl. And she's going to attend our school for some time, until the townspeople chase them out or burn their house or something… Yes, Eric, what is it?

_[Cartman raises his hand.]_

CARTMAN: Mr. Garrison, can I ask a question?

GARRISON: You just did, but you're quiet today, so you can ask another one. Shoot.

CARTMAN: Is the new girl's name Mary Sue?

GARRISON: Wha-what gave you that idea?

CARTMAN: I mean, a lot of chicks have been moving in and out of the town recently and all of them were like, nine years old, members of our class, murderers or rape victims, claimed to be beautiful and were abused by their family and told us about it the second they entered the classroom and all of them were named Mary Sue.

_[The children stare at Cartman, Kyle and Wendy frowning.]_

KYLE: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about? They weren't all named Mary Sue!

WENDY: Yeah, only half of them were!

_[A moment of silence.]_

GARRISON: No, Eric, I can assure you her name is not Mary Sue… Now can you please let me finish? …thank you. Ah, that's all. Now allow me to introduce… Fiona McTeagle. Fiona, can you come in?

_[Fiona enters the classroom. She is as high as any other fourth-grader, has ginger hair, tied in two ponytails, dark blue trousers and a green jacket. She stops at Mr. Garrison's desk, looking around nervously. The kids start to whisper.]_

GARRISON: Okay, children, let's leave the ridicule and abuse till after the school. Now Fiona, tell us a bit about yourself.

FIONA: Uh… Hello? _[no reaction whatsoever from the students] _ I'm Fiona…

GARRISON: And that's not Fiona the ogre princess, do you hear? She's not an ogre, get it? Anyone laughing at Fiona and calling her an ogre will be sent to the principal immediately!

_[The class starts to chuckle quietly. Fiona glares at Mr. Garrison.]_

FIONA: I'm Fiona and… uh… I'm nine years old… I guess you already know that… Also, I'm from Scotland…

CARTMAN: _[whispers] _Scotland?

KYLE: Scotland?

PIP: Scotland? I say…

BEBE: Scotland?

KENNY: (Scotland?)

GARRISON: Oh, yes, I've forgotten to mention, that our little friend is Scotch.

FIONA: Scottish.

GARRISON: Whatever. Now I know that some of you enjoy making fun of racial and ethnic stereotypes…

_[The class looks at Eric Cartman.]_

GARRISON: …but if I catch any of you retards calling Fiona a greedy Scotsman or a ginger, money-mad ogre, I will be forced to inform the principal and, with some luck, have your balls cut off. Do I make myself clear?

CARTMAN: _[chuckles] _"Ginger, money-mad ogre"… That's a good one…

FIONA: Mr. Garrison, don't you think that the way you tell them not to insult me is actually… giving them ideas HOW they can insult me?

GARRISON: Honestly, Fiona, I don't know what gave you that idea…

* * *

_[In the school hall, Stan, Kyle, Butters and Kenny are in the middle of talking while Cartman approaches them.]_

STAN: Wow. So you had Scottish ancestors yourself, Kenny?

KENNY: (Yeah, dude. Distant ones, though.)

KYLE: Distant ones? And have you ever seen them?

KENNY: (Nuh-uh. They wouldn't lend us any money, so we couldn't afford the ticket.)

STAN: They wouldn't lend you any money?

BUTTERS: Uh, that's kind of mean, isn't it?

CARTMAN: You guys, you guys! We've gotta find a nickname for the new chick!

_[The boys look at him surprised.]_

KYLE: What are you talking about, fatass?

CARTMAN: Okay, so what do we call that chick when we see her? Mr. Garrison's suggestions were kinda kewl, but I was thinking to add something with "Mary Sue" in it.

KYLE: Cartman, will you shut up about this Mary Sue thing? We don't know anything about this girl except her name and the fact that she's Scottish! Why should we insult her in the first place?

_[A few fourth graders stop by the boys to listen to the usual argument between Kyle and Cartman]_

CARTMAN: Buh- Dude! She's the NEW KID! Isn't it fucking obvious? It is only our duty to make her feel miserable and ridiculed! Isn't it fucking obvious?

KYLE: Yes, but WHY? What is the point?

CARTMAN: _[surprised] _Wha… What is the point? What is the point of making fun of people? Are you out of your fucking mind, Kahl?

KYLE: Your attitude towards new people just sucks! You're only doing this because ripping on a new kid can make people hate someone more than you!

CARTMAN: Oh, yeah? Well, you're a fucking Jew, Kahl! And I know why you're defending that chick! It must be some kind of a secret alliance between money-obsessed nations! Why don't you just go back to her place and make some Scottish-Jew babies?

_[A large group of people is now surrounding Cartman and Kyle.]_

KYLE: What does me being a Jew have to do with your attitude toward new kids?

CARTMAN: Oh, I know what it's all about, Kahl! It's the ginger hair! You're protecting one of your own kind! Look, you fucking Jew, as long as I'm here, you red commies won't take over! Butters, are you with me?

BUTTERS: _[happy to be noticed] _Sure I am! My dad said commies are bad! Especially red ones!

STAN: …Weren't we at some point talking about the new kid?

CARTMAN: Stan's right, you guys! We've got to think of some really insulting nicknames…

STAN: That wasn't what I said, fatass!

CARTMAN: Okay, so how about "ogre-ass ginger-whiskey bitch Fiona"? If that's too long, then maybe "Tartan tart" would be nicer? Ah, here's a good one: "Fiona the ginger-piper Mary Sue". No? Then how about "The poor kid"? Short, nice and simple!

TOKEN: How do you know she's poor?

CLYDE: Isn't that Kenny's nickname?

KENNY: (Fuck off, Clyde!)

KYLE: You guys are retarded. I'm not going to insult her until I know her better!

_[Kyle walks away.]_

CARTMAN: All right, we got rid of the Jew, any more suggestions for nicknames?

_[A moment of silence]_

KEVIN: How about "Jabba MacHut"?

_[A moment of silence]_

CARTMAN: …Kev, goddamn you… _[pinches the bridge of his nose]_ Okay, anything that isn't connected with Star Wars?

RED: How about "Red slut"?

CARTMAN: Okay, very nice, Red. Anything else?

_[Long pause.]_

FRANCIS: "Red slut"?

CARTMAN: Okay, we've had that, but still, very nice. Come on, be imaginative!

_[The bell rings. Only Stan seems to notice that.]_

STAN: The bell's ringing.

BUTTERS: Uh, that's a good one, Stan!

CARTMAN: A bit light, though. We should make something a bit more juicy…

STAN: No, I mean really, the bell's ringing!

CARTMAN: Adding "really" isn't making it insulting.

BEBE: _[raises her eyebrow] _Was it an insult in the first place?

STAN: _[irritated] _Look, you guys, I've heard the bell ringing just now!

_[A pause.]_

CARTMAN: Nah, that's no good either. That's way too long… She's gonna die of old age before you say it!

CRAIG: My guinea pig died yesterday, you know?

_[All of the children stare at Craig.]_

ESTHER: What's that got to do with anything?

CRAIG: _[shrugs] _I dunno. _[he flips her off]_

STAN: _[irritated] _Look, you guys, I have no idea whether you heard it or not but I have a strong feeling that I have to tell you that I have just heard the bell ringing at this very moment!

CARTMAN: Shut up, Stan, you're making it ridiculously long! Gawd!

_[Stan pinches the bridge of his nose and goes back to the classroom. A moment later Fiona comes out of where Stan went to.]_

FIONA: Shouldn't you lads come in? The bell just rang.

BUTTERS: Uh, wait a minute, Fiona, we're coming up with nicknames for you.

FIONA: What?

CARTMAN: _[closes his eyes] _Butters, goddamn you…

BUTTERS: Oh, I'm sorry, Eric! I meant… We're coming up with nicknames for you, you red, Scottish slut! _[lowers his voice]_ Was that all right?

CARTMAN: Shut up, Butters! _[comes near Fiona]_ Now, look, you Scotch hoe! You're the new kid, so the first thing you've gotta know is that I'm the real ruler of this skeewl!

FIONA: The what?

CARTMAN: Skeeewl! So, you have to learn to respect mah goddamn authoritah!

FIONA: What?

CARTMAN: AUTHORITAH!

FIONA: Oh, AUTHORITY… _[she raises an eyebrow]_ I thought that you said fatarse…

_[the children laugh]_

CARTMAN: Shut up, ginger! It's not funny! You're not even pronouncing it properlah!

FIONA: "Properlah", you say? It seems I'm not the only one here with pronunciation problems, fatty…

_[the students laugh again]_

CARTMAN: Shut your Jew mouths, assholes! _[takes a few steps in Fiona's direction]_ Now listen to me, you fucking ogre! You might think you're so keewl, but we will never fucking accept you! If you ask me, you're always be just another fucking Mary Sue!

_[A little pause]_

FIONA: Whaaat? _[acts as if she can't hear] _You're saying you're fat?

_[the students laugh again]_

CARTMAN: SHUT UP! That's not even funnah!

* * *

_[The classroom, the children sit down with blank faces, except for Cartman, who is clearly angry. He stares at Fiona, who sits down next to Butters and Kyle.]_

GARRISON: Okay, children, let's take our seats… is what I would say hours ago except that you weren't here, apart from Stanley, Kyle and Jason.

JASON: _[starts smiling, pleasantly surprised] _Someone was talking about me? Hooray, I'm finally getting some attention!

_[A pause.]_

JASON: _[gets sad] _Never mind…

GARRISON: Now I think you owe me an explanation for this! Kyle!

KYLE: What? I'm the one who was in the classroom!

GARRISON: Oh. All right, Eric! What do you have to say for yourself?

CARTMAN: _[playing surprised] _Me? But, Mr. Garrison, it was all the new kid's fault!

FIONA: _[genuinely surprised] _What?

KYLE: _[irritated] _What?

CARTMAN: During the break she's been calling me faaaat! _[starts to fake cry] _

GARRISON: Is that true, Fiona?

FIONA: Yes, but he was…

GARRISON: Well, Fiona, I must say I'm disappointed with you. I guess you'll have to see the school councelor…

FIONA: Yes, but Mr. Garrison…

CARTMAN: Ha! In your face, ginger!

BUTTERS: Boy, she's gonna get it now!

KYLE: _[stands up, frowning] _Why do you keep blaming completely innocent people, you fucking fatass?

CARTMAN: How do you know if she's innocent, Jew?

GARRISON: Kyle, watch your language! You can go and see Mr. Mackey too!

KYLE: Goddamnit! _[stands up and walks along Fiona to the door]_

STAN: Hey, why isn't Cartman coming? He called Kyle a Jew!

GARRISON: …But Kyle IS a Jew.

STAN: Oh, right. I forgot.

_[Kyle frowns at Stan. He then leaves the classroom with Fiona.]_

* * *

_To be continued, hopefully. Hope you enjoyed the chapter.  
_


	2. Chapter 2

_Okay, I don't own South Park, blah blah blah...  
_

_Thank you for your review, John, glad you read it. I'll try to make a better build-up in the next stories... Well, not that an OC-introduction story can be really interesting... With a few exceptions, of course. _

_My OC might not stand out yet, but she's going to... Okay, no excuses. Oh, and just for the record, she's not a self-insert. I'm from Poland and I'm a guy to begin with...  
_

_Anyway, here's the second chapter. Expect another one next Friday.  
_

* * *

_[Kyle and Fiona are sitting on the bench outside Mr Mackey's office. There is a moment of silence. The children stare blankly. Then, Kyle looks at the new girl, sighs and finally, speaks.]_

KYLE: Look, try not to get manipulated by that fat asshole, Cartman. He's always trying to make someone get the blame for everything.

FIONA: You know him that well?

KYLE: He's my sort of friend… ish.

FIONA: Why are you insulting him if he's your friend?

KYLE: Look, that's none of your business. Just try to look out for Cartman. He can reverse the situation so that it looks like he's the victim, like before. And Mr Garrison is used to it, so he doesn't really care, because it's much more difficult to deal with him. Plus, he's an idiot… But we all know that it wasn't you who started it… Was it?

FIONA: Don't be mental!

KYLE: Just asking… Anyway, I'm Kyle.

FIONA: Yeah, I know. I'm Fiona.

KYLE: I know.

FIONA: Then, what was the point of introducing ourselves?

KYLE: I don't know. _[he shrugs]_

_[The doors open and Craig comes out of Mr Mackey's office.]_

CRAIG: You can come in now. _[he shows his middle finger, blank faced]_

FIONA: Did you just flip me off? _[glares at him]_

CRAIG: No, I didn't. _[flips her off again, then walks away. He stops for a moment]_ Oh, and congratulations on insulting Cartman. That was so funny. If I could call Cartman fat, I would be sooo happy. _[walks away again]_

_[Fiona stares at him walking away, then turns to Kyle.]_

FIONA: What was that?

KYLE: Don't worry, he's like that all the time.

FIONA: Now I'm worried!

KYLE: You'd better come in now.

_[Fiona comes into Mr Mackey's office and closes the door.]_

_[Fiona sits down in front of Mackey.]_

MR MACKEY: Hello, Fiona, sit down, m'kay?

FIONA: Okay.

MACKEY: Now, Fiona, you know why you were sent here, m'kay?

FIONA: M'kay. I mean- no, I don't know. Why was I?

MACKEY: Fiona, I know this may be a tough time for you, being the new kid, m'kay?

FIONA: M… kay… _[raises her eyebrow]_

MACKEY: This may be a tough time, but it doesn't mean that you don't need to behave yourself, m'kay?

FIONA: M'kay.

MACKEY: You just can't make the children spend the classes outside of the classroom, m'kay? It's baaad, m'kay?

FIONA: Bad?

MACKEY: Baad, m'kay.

FIONA: But, Mr Mackey, it wasn't my fault! It was the fat kid!

MACKEY: You see, that's an issue too, m'kay? You can't just make fun of someone because they're fat, m'kay?

FIONA: Well, you don't seem to mind that he made fun of me being a ginger and being Scottish.

MACKEY: _[suddenly becomes angry and somewhat ashamed] _We have Eric Cartman more or less under control, m'kay? We're working on him, m'kay?

FIONA: M'kay… _ [notices something] _Hey, that's a nice trophy.

_[The camera now shows a gold medal on Mr Mackey's shelf.]_

MACKEY: Oh, yes, it's a golden medal from the Park County School Councellor Awards, m'kay? I came first, so I'm kind of proud of it, m'kay?

FIONA: I see. _[keeps looking at it, smiling and lowering her eyebrows in a cunning manner]_

MACKEY: Anyway, Fiona, It's best that we forget about everything provided that you don't cause trouble at school ever again, m'kay?

FIONA: I'll try. Mr Mackey, can I ask you something? Why do you always have to repeat…

MACKEY: Repeat what, m'kay?

FIONA: …nothing. Thank you very much.

MACKEY: It's m'kay. Just try to behave yourself, m'kay?

FIONA: I will, Mr Mackey. Thank you. _[they shake hands, then Fiona stands up and leaves the office]_

MACKEY: M'kay... _[looks at his wrist to tell the time] _Now- Hey! Where's my watch, m'kay?

* * *

_[The school yard, the children are playing in the playground. Stan and Butters are standing in a crowd of other children. Cartman is seen sitting with Kenny on a fence next to a swing, with Cartman being on the swing and Kenny holding him up. We can see that Kenny is having a hard time, because Eric is too heavy for him.]_

CARTMAN: And so, good people of South Park, you are witnessing a birth of a new hero, Human Cannonball! With my amazing flying powers, I will land right in that mattress and save you all! I want to thank…

_[Cartman keeps talking while camera shows Clyde and Token.]_

TOKEN: What does flying to the mattress have to do with saving us?

CLYDE: I dunno.

CARTMAN: …without further ado, I will now fly like an eagle to…

STAN: Just jump already and get it over with, Fatass Cannonball!

CARTMAN: Ay! Shut the hell up, hippie! And so…

WENDY: Shut up and jump, fatass! Poor Kenny is going to die of tiredness if he holds you up any longer!

KENNY: _[frightened]_ (No, don't you fucking say that! Nobody 's fucking going to die!)

_[Everyone looks at Kenny.]_

CARTMAN: Geez, Ken, don't be such a wuss. Er-hem! And to conclude…

STAN: Jump, Cartman!

CARTMAN: OKAY! Let go, Kinney!

_[Kenny releases Cartman and falls on the other side of the fence. Eric is sent flying and lands on his face just beside the mattress. The children all watch it with no emotion displayed on their faces whatsoever, except for Butters, who opens his mouth, worried and takes a few steps in Cartman's direction. Eric does not move.]_

BUTTERS: Uh, Eric! Are you all right?

CARTMAN: Ah! Son of a bitch! _[he sits up and then notices his nose bleeding] _Aaargh! I'm bleeeeding! Mooooooooooooom! Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahm!

STAN: He's all right. Are you all right, Kenny?

KENNY: _[after falling down, he stands up and cleans himself up from the dust] _(Yeah, I'm fine!) _[a couple of dogs appear and bite him to death] _(Oh, fuck, I should've expe- aaaargh!) _[the dogs leave after a while and take Kenny's head with them]_

STAN: _[after staring at the event with other children, open-mouthed] _Oh, my god! They killed Kenny!

_[Kyle and Fiona arrive and stand next to Stan.]_

KYLE: You bastards! _[looks around]_ What happened?

STAN: _[gasping]_ They… they killed Kenny!

KYLE: Oh. _[notices Kenny's headless corpse] _You bastards!

_[the children slowly start to leave]_

STAN: Dude, where've you been? Cartman's been trying to fly.

KYLE: Again?

FIONA: Hey, that's right, the fat boy's lying on the ground. _[approaches him] _Don't you want to see the nurse, Cartman? Your fat nose is bleeding.

CARTMAN: _[with trouble speaking] _Don't… you get… all friendly with me… bitch…

KYLE: _[whispers to Stan] _Dude, I was thinking, maybe we should let Fiona into our group? She's new around here, she seems pretty funny and she pisses Cartman off. It's perfect!

STAN: I don't know, Kyle. I mean, she's Scottish and all… What if we get ripped on because of that too?

KYLE: By who? Cartman? Dude, since when do we care about what Cartman thinks?

STAN: …you've got a point.

KYLE: Anyway, you know what happens to all the new kids. Do you really want her to listen to Mackey and turn into another Pip?

_[The camera now shows Pip appearing in front of Fiona. She looks indifferent.]_

PIP: Hello, my name is Philip, but everyone calls me Pip, because they hate me. I heard you were from Britain too.

FIONA: Don't you compare yourself with me, you posh, snotty-nosed, upper class, Sassenach pig!

PIP: Oh. Right-o. _[goes away]_

_[The camera returns to Stan and Kyle looking at the Brits.]_

STAN: No, I guess not. _[turns to Kyle] _Look, Kyle leave me out of it, I don't really care if she joins or not.

KYLE: Dude, you want Cartman to win?

STAN: No, I'm just saying we don't know her well enough to let her join us. Your rivalry with Cartman doesn't have to do with anything! You wouldn't suggest the whole Fiona thing if it weren't for that! Kyle, just promise it won't get us in trouble.

KYLE: How could it possibly get us in trouble? Okay, I promise. _[speaks loudly, so that Cartman and Fiona can hear too]_ All right, why don't we vote? All against Fiona joining our group, raise your hands!

_[Cartman stands up, surprised.]_

CARTMAN: What? What are you trying to pull, you sneaky Jew? I'll never let that ginger slut join! _[raises his hand]_

KYLE: All in favour? _[raises his hand. Looks at Stan, but he only shrugs]_

STAN: Leave me out of it, dude.

_[Finally Kenny arrives and raises his hand. Nobody except Fiona is surprised that he's alive.]_

KYLE: All right, two for, one against. Fiona joins!

_[Fiona seems stunned.]_

KENNY: (Woo-hoo!)

FIONA: …Wasn't that orange kid a headless dead body just a while ago?

STAN and KYLE: What?

FIONA: Never mind… I must be seeing things.

_[Cartman looks furious. He stops Kenny, who was going to walk off-screen.]_

CARTMAN: Kinney? What the fuck? You don't even know that bitch!

KENNY: _[excited] _(Dude, I can't wait till she grows titties!)

_[A moment of silence.]_

FIONA: Titties?

* * *

_[The children are all seated in the classroom. Fiona sits down in the front, on the right, between Butters and Bebe, where Bradley Biggle usually sits. This becomes her usual seat in later episodes. Mr Garrison is writing something on the blackboard.]_

GARRISON: And so, children, we can see that Polly from Fawlty Towers was a dirty little slut…

_[Suddenly, Mr Mackey bursts into the classroom.]_

MACKEY: M'kay, you think this is so funny, McTeagle, m'kay? _[hysterically]_Let's see how you like this, m'kay?

_Pins Fiona up against the wall with his hand. She lets out a scream._

STAN: Jesus Christ!

TWEEK: Aargh! She's gonna be killed! Ugh!

CARTMAN: Awesome!

_[All children as well as Mr Garrison are shocked at Mr Mackey's behaviour.]_

GARRISON: Mackey, what the hell are you doing, beating up a student in my classroom?

_[Mackey calms down a bit.]_

MACKEY: Oh, I'm sorry, Herbert, I'll take her outside...

GARRISON: Now that's better...

KYLE: No, it's not! The problem is that he's beating her up, not where!

FIONA: What have I done?

MACKEY: You dare to ask what you have done, m'kay? I'm gonna teach you a lesson, you little bitch, m'kay?

GARRISON: Mackey, watch your language, for fuck's sake...

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: _[from the intercom]_ Attention, students! The following number of stu... uh, people are to report to the principal's office immediately: Fiona McTeagle, Emmet Mackey, Kyle Broflovski, Kenny McCormick, Stanley Marsh and Eric Cartman.

CARTMAN: Hah!... Wait, what?

MACKEY: Aw, Jesus, what now, m'kay?

* * *

_[Principal Victoria's office. The children are seated on the left and Mackey on the right, sulking. The principal is pinching the bridge of her nose. Stan and Kenny don't seem to know why they're here while Cartman is only looking angrily at Kyle.]_

VICTORIA: Sigh... Now, children, you know why you're here?

CHILDREN: No.

MACKEY: _[angrily]_ Oh, now this is just bullshit, m'kay?

VICTORIA: Mr Mackey, will you please be quiet? Now all of you have been very naughty, and that includes you too, Mr Mackey!

MACKEY: Aw, me? Why me, m'kay?

VICTORIA: Beating up a student was very inappropriate for a responsible grown-up like you, Mr Mackey! Not to mention the fact that you're a school counsellor...

MACKEY: _[in tears]_ Not anymore I'm not, m'kay? I've lost my pride as a school counsellor!

FIONA: But why? What have we done?

VICTORIA: What?

KYLE: _[rolling his eyes] _You still haven't told us what we've done!

VICTORIA: Oh. _[sits down] _Apparently, Mr Mackey has been complaining about a certain valuable thing which was stolen from him today.

MACKEY: _[crying] _That's right! She took my watch and my precious medal, m'kay? She took my medal!

_[Suddenly faint voices of the town's rednecks can be heard from the window.]_

REDNECK 1: They took our jobs!

REDNECK 2: They tooker jerb!

REDNECK 3: 'ook 'ur jrbs!

REDNECK 4: 'rk 'r-djrb!

_[All present in the office look at the window. The voices begin to mix into a loud rabble. Principal Victoria moves to the window and opens it.]_

VICTORIA: Shut up! _[she closes it]_ That's better...

KYLE: Let me put this straight: you're accusing Fiona of stealing the medal? On what grounds?

_[Cartman begins to smirk.]_

KYLE: You're just using ethnic stereotypes to make someone else get the blame!

CARTMAN: See? I told you, Kahl, but you didn't listen! Both Scots and Jews are greedy bastards.

KYLE: Why don't you shut up, fatass?

CARTMAN: Ay! Don't call me fat, you stinkin' Jew!

VICTORIA: Okiaaay, children, I understand how you feel, but apparently Mr Mackey collected some serious evidence.

MACKEY: That's right, m'kay! I asked the other fourth grade's class where Fiona had been supposed to go to and it turned out, as Terrance Mephesto reported, that all of them had something stolen the day she was introduced to the class! How do you like that, you little fuckers? M'kay?

VICTORIA: Mr Mackey!

MACKEY: I'm sorry, but I had to be harsh, m'kay?

_[Everyone's looking at Fiona.]_

FIONA: That doesn't prove anything! It could have been just pure coincidence... right? _[looks at everyone. There is a brief pause]_

CARTMAN: Ooooh... You're stepping on thin ice, ginger...

FIONA: Shut your mouth, fat boy!

VICTORIA: Oookiay, children, let's calm down. It's a very serious issue, Mr Mackey has said that if you don't confess, Fiona, we'll have to take this matter to court.

MACKEY: That's right, McTeagle! I'm suing your ass, you fucking thief! See you in court!  
_[He points his finger at Fiona and walks off]_

CARTMAN: This is becoming one of the best days of my life...

KYLE: _[stands up and goes to Cartman]_ Wait a minute! How come I didn't see it before? It was you who stole that stuff, Cartman! You did it and then told Mackey it was Fiona because you hate her!

CARTMAN: You're such a Jew, Kahl! You're accusing me of thinking up such a stupid plan? I would have come up with something much cleverer! Besides, I still hate you more than her.

VICTORIA: I must say that's one of the reasons we asked you here, Eric. You must admit you might have had something to do with it, given your criminal record.

CARTMAN: What? I don't have any criminal record!

_[everyone lowers their eyebrows; then, we see a series of flashbacks with most of the crimes Cartman committed in the past: killing Rob Reiner in "Butt out", attempting to kill Kyle with a bat in "Toilet Paper", kidnapping Butters in "Casa Bonita", beating up Jimmy in the same episode, acting as a prostitute in "Freak Strike", setting the school on fire in "Butt Out", hitting Token with a rock in "Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000", performing unlicensed liposuction surgery on Butters in "Jared has Aides", graverobbing with the boys in __"Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery", leading the drunken Confederacy Army, breaking into Kyle's room in "Mechastreisand" and finally, making Scott Tenorman eat his parents in "Scott Tenorman Must Die"__] _

CARTMAN: Ooh. Well, one or two things, maybe... But you have nothing on me, anyway!

KYLE: We'll see, fatass!

CARTMAN: Whatevah, faggots! Let's see how you will cry when I testify against the ogre princess! See you in court, gingers! Screw you guys, I'm going home!

_He leaves._

STAN: Okay, so Fiona might have stolen this medal, Cartman's an evil asshole, but what does it have to do with us?

KENNY: (Yeah, I fucking don't get it!)

VICTORIA: Oh, yes, but I got the impression that you know each other quite well. You seem to be quite friendly with each other.

STAN: Yes, but it doesn't mean we should get the blame! We hardly know each other and besides, we didn't do anything!

FIONA: _[frowning] _Hey, Stan, the problem is that I'm being accused of stealing, not that you're getting the blame for it!

STAN: Don't you act like you've known me for such a long time, Scotch girl!

KYLE: Stan? What are you saying? Dude, don't act like an asshole!

STAN: How can you be so convinced that she's innocent? That's fucking naive!

VICTORIA: Stanley!

STAN: I know that we have to be friendly to new people, but Jesus Christ, she's a complete stranger to us! What do we know about her? She might as well have stolen that stuff! We don't have to believe every word she says!

KYLE: Dude, you know Cartman! It's obvious he did all this! I choose to believe Fiona, Kenny does too, right, Ken?

KENNY: _[somewhat hypnotised] _(Booobs...)

STAN: Look Kyle, we're best friends. But I have to say that because of you inviting Fiona into our group, we're now in trouble up to here. I'm sorry, but I don't wanna get involved. I hate to say it, but... _[imitates Cartman's gesture]_ Screw you guys, I'm going home. _[he leaves]_

* * *

_End of the second chapter. Don't like - review and point out my mistakes. Sorry, I'm trying my best not to be a review whore...  
_


	3. Chapter 3

_[The bell rings, and we can see the school from outside. Then, the action takes place in the school cafeteria. Chef is giving out lunch to Pip while Bradley, Kevin, Esther and Red are next in line. After them there are Kyle, Fiona and Kenny waiting. Red and the others come near Chef.]_

CHEF: Hello there, children!

RED'S GANG: Hey, chef!

CHEF: How's it going?

ESTHER: Bad.

CHEF: Why bad?

KYLE: _[shouts]_ Will you hurry up there? We don't have all day!

CHEF: Now, children, you have to wait your turn. First, I gotta deal with these children.

KYLE: Goddamnit...

_[The camera moves to Kyle and the others. Kyle turns to Fiona.]_

FIONA: Kyle, aren't you going a little too far?

KYLE: No way, they're going to spend all recess talking to Chef.

FIONA: No, not that! I mean the whole stealing affair. You know, that Stan lad is right. Why should you defend me when you don't know me at all?

_[Now we can see Craig being next in line after Kenny. The Children turn around.]_

CRAIG: Yeah, it makes you look like a total Mary Sue.

FIONA: What the hell is a Mary Sue? _[Craig flips her off, then Fiona turns around to Kyle again]_ Look, Kyle, I appreciate your help, but I don't want to get you in trouble.

KYLE: You don't understand, Fiona! Cartman's bigotry is spreading and if I don't stop it now, no-one will!

_[Finally Kyle and the others move to Chef.]_

CHEF: Hello there, children!

CHILDREN: Hey, Chef.

CHEF: How's it going?

KENNY: (Bad.)

CHEF: Why bad? Oh, I haven't seen you before here, children. _[points at Fiona]_ Are you Kyle's little girlfriend?

KYLE: What?

CHEF: Just asking, children... Why bad, then?

KENNY: (Chef, our friend Fiona's the new kid in school, Cartman's making fun of her because she's ginger, and now she's accused of stealing people's stuff because she's Scottish and has big hooters.)

_[Chef is staring blankly at Kenny. It doesn't seem that he understood him.]_

CHEF: Actually, children, that's a pretty complicated problem, would you mind repeating what your friend has just said?

FIONA: Chef, our friend Fiona's the new kid in school, Cartman's making fun of her because she's ginger, and now she's accused of stealing people's stuff because she's Scottish and has big hooters... Hey, I don't have big hooters! I'm too young to have any hooters in the first place!

CRAIG: Yep, that would make you a complete Mary Sue.

_[Bill and Fosse appear behind Craig.]_

FOSSE: Yeah, that's gay.

BILL: It's gay.

FIONA: For the last time, what the hell is a Mary Sue?

CHEF: Aw, children, having big hooters and being a Mary Sue is a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Let me sing you a little song. _[Suddenly we hear music for Chef's usual "I'm gonna make love to you woman" routine]_ I'm gonna make love to ya woman, gonna lay ya down the fire... And to rest your womanly body, make you moan and perspire...

KYLE: Uh, Chef?

CHEF: Gonna keep those juices flowin'…

KYLE: Chef!

CHEF: We makin' love gravy love…

KYLE: Cheeef!

CHEF: …gravy love love love love love gravy! Oh, I'm sorry, children.

KYLE: You're not helping! Moreover, Fiona now thinks you're a pedophile!

_[Indeed, Fiona is shown to have kept her eyes and mouth wide open, terrified. Kenny pats her back.]_

KYLE: The problem is that Fiona's gonna be put on trial and with Cartman manipulating everybody, we don't know how it'll turn out!

KENNY: (What do we do now?)

CHEF: Oh, children, believe me, I've had a lot of trouble with ethnic stereotypes.

FIONA: Really?

CHEF: Oh, yes, children, my parents are from Scotland, too. We were always called "the greedy McElroys". Don't worry, children, I'm gonna testify and tell those assholes what a racist Cartman is. And you should hire Kyle's dad, Fiona, he's the best lawyer in the entire town.

FIONA: Wow, he's so brilliant?

CHEF: Nope. He totally blew my case against Alanis Morissette. He's just the only one here.

KYLE: Hey!

* * *

_[The school corridor. Fiona comes over alone to her shelf, with her eyes looking down. Wendy is shown looking at her. She comes over.]_

WENDY: Hey. _[Fiona turns around] _You're Fiona, aren't you?

FIONA: Aye. I mean, yeah!

WENDY: I'm Wendy Testaburger, the school president. I've just heard that Mackey and Cartman are accusing you of stealing stuff. I just want you to know that I fully support your case. That bastard Cartman needs to know his place!

FIONA: _[frowns, pretty annoyed]_ It seems that most people don't want to back me up because they think I'm innocent, but because they want to make Cartman lose.

WENDY: _[looks the other way, panicking] _Uh... No, I'm not like that, you see! I just know you're innocent! I'm just telling you that I'm testifying against Cartman.

FIONA: You mean for me?

WENDY: Yeah, right! So... see you in court, then! _[she goes away quickly, then comes back]_ Oh, and one thing... You're not trying to steal my boyfriend, are you?

FIONA: _[surprised] _What? Not that I recall, no... Which one is it?

WENDY: Stan.

FIONA: Oooh... You've got nothing to worry about, he isn't really fond of me, anyway...

WENDY: Well that's good, because I suggest you... DON'T FUCK WITH ME!

FIONA: Wha-what? _[Fiona draws back while Wendy threatens her]_

WENDY: You heard me! Stay away from my man, stupid Mary Sue bitch, or I'll whup your sorry little ass back to last year! _[she walks away, leaving Fiona shocked and terrified]_

FIONA: ...What the hell is wrong with everybody in this town?

* * *

_[The scene takes place in the courthouse. Fiona and Gerald are on one side, and Mackey with Cartman on the other. Kyle, Chef and Kenny sit behind Fiona]_

GERALD: Now, just let me do all the talking, Fiona. We're gonna bring these bastards down.

CHEF: You know, when you spoke those words, somehow I've gotta feelin' everything's gonna go wrong... _[a gavel bangs]_

JUDGE MOSES: _[bored] _The court's now in session and all that. Who's representing the defence?

GERALD: _[stands up] _I am, Your Honor. Gerald Bro…

JUDGE MOSES: ...flovski, of course. And the prosecution?

CARTMAN: I am, Your Honor. Eric Cartman. _[he smiles cunningly]_

KYLE: _[astounded] _Cartman? What's he gonna do now?

* * *

_[The courthouse again. Wendy is standing up, testifying]_

WENDY: And to conclude, Your Honor, I, as well as all the SPE students, am sick of Eric Cartman discrimination and bigotry and I hope that you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, will make the right decision. Thank you.

_[Kyle Broflovski claps his hands. He nudges Kenny in the arm and he starts clapping too]_

JUDGE MOSES: _[bored]_ Okay, thank you Ms Testaburger, for this outstandingly long speech, which had nothing to do with the defendant. After hearing all the testimonies, we will now hear Ms McTeagle's attorney.

GERALD: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we have...

* * *

_[the scene cuts to Craig, Tweek, Clyde, Token and Jimmy watching TV at Clyde's. It appears that Fiona's trial is broadcast live]_

TOKEN: Cartman as the prosecutor?

JIMMY: This might get in-in-interesting.

* * *

_[the courthouse again. Gerald finishes his speech]_

GERALD: ...I rest my case. Thank you.

JUDGE MOSES: Mr. Cartman, your closing arguments, if you must...

CARTMAN: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have been told that the defendant, Mary Sue...

FIONA: _[frowns] _Fiona McTeagle!

CARTMAN: Whatevah. Fiona McTeagle, of the Scottish folk which we do not take kindly around here, is supposedly innocent of the stealing of the fourth grade's B class' possessions. But ladies and gentlemen of the supposed jury... This is Chewbacca. _[he pulls down the sheet of paper on which there is a printed image of Chewbacca]_

GERALD: Oh, no. _[reacts with astonishment]_ Not the Chewbacca thing again!

* * *

_[Gerald suddenly runs out of the courtroom and bursts out crying. Kyle follows, rolling his eyes. Then, Fiona and Kenny come out]_

GERALD: Why? Why, God, why? _[sobbing all the time] _Why must 9-year old kids be better than me in my job? WHY?

KYLE: Dad, we don't have time for your angst now! Just tell us if there is still any chance to help Fiona!

GERALD: You'll have no use of me, Kyle... I'm such a useless father... _[he cries heavily]_

KYLE: Goddamnit, shut up, dad! Don't worry, Fiona, we're not gonna let you go to jail. Right, Kenny?

KENNY: (Yeah... Tit-) _[Fiona covers his mouth]_

FIONA: _[frowning] _One more word about my "titties" and I'll kick your arse, Kenny!

* * *

_[The school corridor. Fiona closes her new locker and turns around, only to notice an another female fourth-grader coming. She is wearing an unusual blue dress, revealing much of her enormous bosom, and a heavy make-up. She has extremely long red hair, shaped as if wind was blowing, and of course forming cat ears on top. She also possesses a beauty mark under her right eye. Needless to say, she looks like a typical fandom Mary Sue character. She stops in front of Fiona, remaining silent. Fiona notices her coming from the back and turns around]_

FIONA: Uh... Hello? _[unsure]_

MARY SUE: Hey. Are you new in our school? _[she has a loud, irritating voice]_

FIONA: Uh... Yes?

MARY SUE: Yes? Oh, that's fantastic, because we heard about the whole stealing affair and we want to, like, help you!

FIONA: You do? _[she frowns]_

MARY SUE: Oh, yes. Come with me!

_[Fiona and Mary Sue enter an empty classroom and we can see other Mary Sues sitting there. They all look similar to the first Mary Sues, including the beauty marks, albeit with differently coloured dresses and hair. Fiona enters the classroom after Mary Sue and opens her mouth, frowning]_

MARY SUE: Hey, girls! She's one of us!

FIONA: What? _[she looks confused]_

MARY SUE: She's the girl who's been accused of stealing stuff even though she didn't do anything. Like, what's your name?

FIONA: Fiona.

MARY SUE: Oh, really? That's so interesting. _[she looks away, uninterested. Fiona frowns]_ My name is... Mary Sue.

FIONA: What? So you're Mary Sue?

MARY SUE: Yes, I know, you've heard about me... I guess I am kinda famous around here! I know, you might have heard some mean things about me, but I wouldn't listen to those assholes! They're just jealous because they're not perfect, like me!

PINK HAIRED MARY SUE: And me!

BLUE-VIOLET HAIRED MARY SUE: And me!

FIONA: _[lowers her eyes in a sceptical way]_ Uh-uh...

MARY SUE: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't introduce my best friends... _[whispers to Fiona] _Of course, they're madly in love with me, that's why they follow me around.

FIONA: I see...

MARY SUE: This is Mary Sue, she's from third grade, she's Craig Tucker's distant cousin... This is Mary Sue, she goes to my class and she's from Connecticut, and she's Brad Dixon's distant cousin... This is Mary Sue, she's Leroy Jenkins' distant cousin, This is Mary Sue, she's Annie Faulk's distant cousin, This is Mary Sue – she's in charge of the sheep dip.

FIONA: Wow... So you're all named Mary Sue?

MARY SUE: Yes, that's right. Is your name not Mary Sue, then?

FIONA: No, it's Fiona…

MARY SUE: Well, we'll call you Mary Sue, just to avoid confusion. You know, we're just like you. Other people don't like us, but that's okay. They just don't know we're special.

GREEN HAIRED MARY SUE: Yeah, we don't fit in because we're original.

PINK HAIRED MARY SUE: The girls are jealous of me because they don't have my beauty...

BLUE-VIOLET HAIRED MARY SUE: Unfortunately, all of the guys in our school are crazy about me. It's my curse...

RAVEN HAIRED MARY SUE: It's all because I'm so smart...

RED-BLACK HAIRED MARY SUE: I'm secretly a superhero, you know?

MARY SUE: But don't you think that we're, like goddesses. We're only humans, after all. We all have our flaws.

FIONA: Good to hear... What flaws?

_[All Mary Sues, except for one, point simultaneously at their beauty marks]_

FIONA: Oh, of course... I should have expected... _[rolls her eyes]_

MARY SUE: _[whispers to Fiona] _You know, mine is actually a fake one. I just forge the beauty mark to fit in.

FIONA: F'course you do...

MARY SUE: Now you, like, see how original we are.

MAGENTA HAIRED MARY SUE: We're so original that we like to call ourselves "Original Characters".

FIONA: Okay... Let me put this straight. You are ALL wearing long dresses, ALL have some kind of alien hair, somehow have breasts about the age of nine, claim to be beautiful, have dots under your eyes, are somehow cousins of some fourth graders, you ALL think you're smart and flawless... And yet you think you're original.

ALL MARY SUES: Like, yeah, we're all original!

KINDERGARTEN MARY SUE: I'm not... _[quietly]_

MARY SUE: Shh!

FIONA: How's that possible? What makes you so special?

_[a long moment of silence. All Mary Sues look at one another]_

FIONA: Urgh... _[sighs] _You said you wanted to help me?

MARY SUE: Oh, yeah, like, you know, we wanna testify in court to help you.

FIONA: _[sighs quietly, closing her eyes in defeat] _Look, you guys, I don't think that's such a good ide-

* * *

_[the scene cuts to the South Park courthouse again. This time, Kyle stands next to Fiona as her lawyer. The Mary Sues stand in a crowd as witnesses, testifying one after another. Currently, the red-haired one is the one talking]_

MARY SUE: And then, your honor, my darling Craig looked into the moonlight and kissed me, closing his deep, blue eyes. But it didn't last long, because my darling Clyde suddenly saw us. He then turned into a werewolf, Craig turned into a vampire and they engaged into a fight, taking their clothes off while they were at it.

_[Craig and Clyde look at her, at each other, then at Mary Sue again, then Craig flips Mary Sue off while Clyde just stares blankly]_

CLYDE: ...What?

MARY SUE: However, the fight was interrupted by Token, who took me in his arms and...

PINK-HAIRED MARY SUE: Hey! Don't you steal my darling Token away from me! _[interrupts her]_ Anyway, while I was staring at the mirror, combing my gorgeous pink hair, I heard my darling Timmy singing a love song named "Timmeh timmah" in front of my window. Poor thing, he didn't realise it was over between us...

_[red haired Mary Sue frowns and pushes the pink-haired one behind her]_

MARY SUE: When Token took me into his arms, I used my miraculous flying powers to...

_[green haired Mary Sue makes her way between the two girls]_

GREEN HAIRED MARY SUE: It was a perfect Monday morning when I entered the classroom and introduced myself as Bradley's distant cousin. All the students gasped at my beauty, except for Eric Cartman, who I knew he would be my worst enemy...

RAVEN HAIRED MARY SUE: When I stopped Kenny from drowning himself in the Stark's Pond, he looked into my eyes...

_[Kenny is seen still hypnotised]_

KENNY: (Boobs...)

_[Mary Sues' voices is gradually turning into a large rabble. A Mary Sue comes out and kisses Pip full on the lips. Another strikes her down. Judge Moses is then seen opening his mouth in surprise]_

JUDGE MOSES: Order! Silence! What do your pathetic romance stories have to do with the case?

_[the Mary Sues seem to have calmed down. The red-haired one comes up and finishes her speech]_

MARY SUE: And so, your honor, we are only trying to prove Fiona McTeagle's innocence. We pray you make the right by decision, influenced by my flawless beauty.

FIONA: Oh, bloody hell! _[she pinches the bridge of her nose]_ This is so embarrassing...

CARTMAN: _[whispers] _You're going down, Kahl!

KYLE: Shut up, fat boy! Don't worry, Fiona. It'll turn out well in the end.

JUDGE MOSES: Oh… kay… I think it's now time for the verdict… Have the Jury reached the verdict?

JURYMAN: Yes, your honor. We find the defendant… not gill-cup.

JUDGE MOSES: You may quit the Monty Python references… Very well. We decide that Fiona McTeagle is not guilty and may leave the court as a free woman.

CARTMAN: Not guilty, your honor?

JUDGE MOSES: All right, ten years then.

KYLE: What? You made that decision on the spot?

CARTMAN: Dude, don't be a sore loser, Kahl! You know she's guilty as hell!

KYLE: Shut up, fat boy! You're the one who's guilty! Your honor, you know very well she's innocent!

MACKEY: That's a fucking lie, m'kay?

WENDY: Well I think you should postpone the verdict until we collect better evidence!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Okiaaay, I think we should all calm down!

CARTMAN: Don't we have enough evidence? Look – she's a ginger, a Scotswoman...

KYLE: Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!

KENNY: (Booobs...)

CLYDE: I think it's all Butters' fault!

BUTTERS: Mine? Aw, hamburgers...

RANDY: Hey, how about we search for all the missing stuff?

GARRISON: How about we get rid of all the Mexicans?

MARY SUE: When I was panting with desire, Kyle slowly began to undress himself…

_[the townspeople's voices merge into a loud rabble. Fiona closes her eyes and grits her teeth while everyone start to shout at each other]_

FIONA: OKAY! I admit it! I did it!

_[the rabble begins to quiet down. Everyone looks at Fiona]_

CARTMAN: Wha-what?

FIONA: I stole all the stuff from Mr Bart's class and Mr Mackey's medal and watch AND several other things. You can check my locker, if you like.

_[a moment of silence]_

OFFICER BARBRADY: Hey, why didn't we think of that before?

FIONA: _[in an annoyed voice] _I also stole principal Victoria's purse and my lawyer's wallet, your honour!

GERALD: _[searches for his wallet] _Oh, I wondered where that went…

KYLE: _[astonished] _Dude, Fiona! Why are you… Why are you saying that stuff? You know very well that Cartman…

FIONA: Cartman, Cartman, I'm sick of Cartman!

BEBE: We all are…

CARTMAN: Shut up, bitch!

FIONA: How can you lads be such idiots? I mean, it was all perfectly bleeding obvious! The evidence was so bloody clear and you are taking it to court and you make judgments basing on your bloody emotions and not bloody evidence!

KYLE: But… You must have been doing it for a reason, right? Your family must be poor or you're stealing it because you don't have a choice… right?

FIONA: For the last time, no! I steal because I want to!

KYLE: _[unsure] _But... I... thought... Cartman...

FIONA: Who the hell said anything about Cartman? Look! He may be the most evil fatass in the universe, but it doesn't mean everybody else is perfect! That would make everyone look like… _[hesitates] _…a total Mary Sue!

_[a silence. Stan enters the courthouse]_

STAN: She's right, you guys. Don't you see it? Ever since Fiona came to our school you've been trying to take her personality for granted! And the truth is we should take some time to know her better.

FIONA: That's true, Kyle. Cartman was blaming me for everything what was happening in the universe. That's just bigotry. But if you think every new laddie is nice and all, you might get disappointed in the end.

CARTMAN: That's right. And it turned out that she really is a ginger, Scotch bitch!

FIONA: Shut up, fatarse!

JUDGE MOSES: But what about the charges? She still must be punished.

STAN: Do you really want the whole world to know that you ignored the evidence and almost declared a thief innocent?

JUDGE MOSES: …no?

STAN: Then declare she's innocent.

JUDGE MOSES: Oh. Okay.

FIONA: Can I still keep my loot?

EVERYONE: Hell no!

FIONA: Oh, fuck it.

KYLE: I guess you were right, Stan. You were right all along. You know, I think I learned something today. You shouldn't judge people according to their stereotypes, but you should also keep in mind that the stereotypes may also be true, but not to the whole nation, but a few people only.

STAN: Yeah. _[nods his head a little to the side]_

FIONA: _[to Cartman]_ And I suppose you learnt that you shouldn't judge people basing on ethnic stereotypes, eh?

CARTMAN: _[trying not to laugh] _Hm, let me think... Mmmm... Nope. _[Fiona frowns]_

JASON: _[suddenly appearing in the courthouse next to the boys and Fiona] _And I learned that you shouldn't use background characters to suddenly gain popularity because nobody knows them anyway! _[he smiles, waiting for a reaction. Everyone just stares in surprise]_

KYLE: Dude, who the fuck are you?

JASON: I'm Jason! I go to your class!

STAN: Jason who?

JASON: You know... Jason McHugh! The guy with the high forehead! I play in the school's basketball team. I was in Craig's gang once.

CARTMAN: Why the fuck should we care about you?

KENNY: (Yeah, get the fuck out of here!)

_[a moment of silence, then Jason slowly goes away]_

JASON: Awww... I thought this was my big breakout role...

_[THE END]_

* * *

_This is the end, I guess. Stay tuned for the ending credits and trivia next week and the week after that, a new episode will come out... I hope.  
_


	4. Trivia

_Okay, that took a little longer than a week, I admit. But finally, I can upload a second story. But for now, enjoy the (mostly obvious) trivia. I was amazed by how many Monty Python references I put in..._

* * *

**_The ending credits:_**

_Written and Produced by: Wensleydale Cheddar_

_Created by: Trey Parker and Matt Stone_

_Music: South Park Main Title Theme by Primus, "I'm gonna make love to you woman" by Isaac Hayes as Chef._

_Special Thanks to: John-SP150, NoseBridgePinch and Marcus Absent for reviewing, ProjectB (aka ThreadbareSP), NoseBridgePinch, Marcus Absent and John again for inspiring me to write... uh... Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Eric Stough, all SP creators, Eiichiro Oda, my mum, my friend who agreed to read the episode but hasn't done it yet, and some bloke I met in a public lavatory called Bernard._

_**TRIVIA:**  
- The episode parodies many fanfiction terms, like "OC", "Mary Sues" and "OC stand-ins" (well, that's pretty obvious). The main subject of this parody is that people tend to judge OCs too quickly and that they should take some time before deciding whether it's a Sue or not. Kyle and Cartman are symbols of two different views on Original Characters: Eric – the one who hates OCs from the start; and Kyle, who wants to defend OCs without even knowing them very well._

_- It also makes fun of the stereotype of Scotsmen being greedy and stingy. _

_- The disclaimer sign is an altered version from the original show._

_- Butters is singing some lines from his "Loo loo loo" song instead of Kenny in the opening credits._

_- Jimmy technically was never in the classroom at the same time as Pip in the show (correct me if I'm wrong)._

_- In the first scene, Cartman mentions some typical traits of a Mary Sue._

_- Fiona is compared by Garrison to a character with the same name from the film "Shrek". 'Fiona' is a typical Scottish name (that's why I chose it, obviously)._

_- Rebecca comes up with the nickname "red slut" for Fiona, even though her nickname's "Red"._

_- Stan unintentionally coming up with the nickname "The bell's ringing" (which is not even a proper nickname ^^) is a reference to a Monty Python sketch where BBC programme planners think up new names for programmes._

_- Craig has a guinea pig in "Tweek vs. Craig"_

_- Jason being hungry for attention and saying "Hooray!" is a nod to Futurama's character Dr. John Zoidberg._

_- Kyle describes Cartman as being his "sort of friend… ish"_ _in "The Entity"_

_- "They took our jobs" is a running gag in the show performed by the town's rednecks._

_- Red's gang (consisting of herself, Kevin, Esther and Bradley) talking to Chef is a reference to John-SP150's two fics starring this group of background characters._

_- Gerald was Chef's lawyer in "Chef Aid". Some lines in the courtroom scenes as well as the famous Chewbacca defence are the same as in that episode._

_- Wendy's "don't fuck with me" line is taken directly from "Tom's Rhinoplasty"._

_- All the Mary Sues claim to be siblings of canon characters which is one of their typical traits (for more visit SP Fanon Wiki)_

_- The way Mary Sue introduces... other Mary Sues is a reference to a Monty Python's "Bruce Sketch"_

_- One of the Mary Sues telling a story about Craig being a vampire and Clyde a werewolf is of course a parody of "Twilight"_

_- "Not gill-cup" is a verdict made by a judge in one of Monty Python's sketches._

_- Mr Bart is the teacher of the class Pete Melman goes to. As many authors (?), I chose him as the teacher for "The other fourth grade", the class Terrance, Bill and Fosse go to._

_- Mr Garrison suggested "getting rid of all the Mexicans" before in "Mr Hankey, the Christmas Poo" and "A Very Crappy Christmas"._

_- "McHugh" isn't Jason's confirmed surname, but is based on __Jason McHugh, who was featured with Trey Parker and Matt Stone in "Cannibal! The Musical" and "Orgazmo"._

**_GOOFS:_**

_- Wendy says at one point that Stan is still her boyfriend, even though she broke up with him in episode 714, and this is supposed to be episode 716 (yeah, sorry about that, folks, but I wanted to keep this scene, so consider this as an episode before "Raisins")._

_- Mr Hat wasn't used in class since the end of the third grade, though he is in this episode._


End file.
